Here’s an ear-opening interview on NPR’s “Tell Me More” about fathers and happiness: Father’s and Happiness.
Listen to a traditional “breadwinner” father, a “stay-at-home” dad, and a dad who’s trying to do both talking about their happiness as they try to balance, their fears, frustration and . . . well, happiness, being a father (Guess who’s more often to be a happy parent?)
Hey, don’t shoot me! I still have a Christmas gift for a dear friend sitting in my living room!
Here’s to all the wonderful fathers this year (especially mine). My link software seems to be broken tonight, so I can’t post the link to the You Tube video, but here are the words to a song by Keith Urban that say it all:
Lately I’ve been noticing
I say the same things he used to say
And I even find myself acting the very same way
I tap my fingers on the table
To the rhythm in my soul
And I jingle the car keys
When I’m ready to go
When I look in the mirror
He’s right there in my eyes
Starin’ back at me and I realize
The older I get
The more I can see
How much he loved my mother and my brother and me
And he did the best that he could
And I only hope when I have my own family
That everyday I see
A little more of my father in me
There were times I thought he was bein’
Just a little bit hard on me
But now I understand he was makin’ me
Become the man he knew that I could be
In everything he ever did
He always did with love
And I’m proud today to say I’m his son
When somebody says I hope I get to meet your dad
I just smile and say you already have
The older I get
The more I can see
How much he loved my mother and my brother and me
And he did the best that he could
And I only hope when I have my own family
That everyday I see
A little more of my father in me
He’s in my eyes
My heart, my soul
My hands, my pride
And when I feel alone
And I think I can’t go on
I hear him sayin’ “Son you’ll be alright”
Everything’s gonna be alright”
Yes it is
The older I get
The more I can see
That he loved my mother and my brother and me
And he did the best that he could
And I only hope when I have my own family
That everyday I see
Oh I hope I see
I hope everyday I see
A little more of my father in me
A little more of my father in me
I hope everyday I see in me
In me
In me
I hope everyday I see
A little more of my father in me.
Keith Urban (as featured on You Tube).
When parents are having a dispute about their kids, it’s miserable for the kids. Especially if the other parent isn’t playing fair, and that happens more often than you might think.
When a parent thinks of a child as belonging to him or her, or sees the child as a a way to gain leverage of any kind against the other parent, it’s not uncommon for them to manipulate the child, or badmouth the other parent and his family, partner and friends.
It’s hard to maintain your equilibrium with your child when all this is going on, but there are a few things you can do:
(1) Be willing to listen without getting drawn into explaining yourself. Tell your child you care a lot about what he or she thinks and feels, but it isn’t up to the child to make the decisions. Make sure he or she knows that this is a decision adults have to make (even if your child is a teen).
(2) Assure your child that you are committed to working things out with the other parent in the fairest way you can.
(3) If your child repeats negative things the other parent or his or her extended family has said about you, don’t overreact or express your anger. Do assure your child that you understand the other parent is unhappy or angry with you and you are sorry he or she feels that way, but hope that eventually he or she will one day get over the anger. Expressing anger in front of the child will get back to the other parent, and that will only encourage the manipulation to increase.
(4) Don’t use your child as a messenger. If the other parent does so, kindly but firmly tell him or her that its up to you and the other parent, not the child, to talk about things.
(5) Don’t reject your children or get angry at them, even if they seem to be rejecting you. Be a constant, loving presence for them.
(6) Don’t justify yourself or defend yourself as you would if you were talking directly to the other parent when your child reports events you know are not true or repeats things he or she may have heard that disparage you. Depending on the child’s age, draw him or her out with simple questions that lead the child to reach his or her own conclusions about the truth of what he or she has heard.
