When parents are having a dispute about their kids, it’s miserable for the kids. Especially if the other parent isn’t playing fair, and that happens more often than you might think.

When a parent thinks of a child as belonging to him or her, or sees the child as a a way to gain leverage of any kind against the other parent, it’s not uncommon for them to manipulate the child, or badmouth the other parent and his family, partner and friends.

It’s hard to maintain your equilibrium with your child when all this is going on, but there are a few things you can do:

(1) Be willing to listen without getting drawn into explaining yourself. Tell your child you care a lot about what he or she thinks and feels, but it isn’t up to the child to make the decisions. Make sure he or she knows that this is a decision adults have to make (even if your child is a teen).

(2) Assure your child that you are committed to working things out with the other parent in the fairest way you can.

(3) If your child repeats negative things the other parent or his or her extended family has said about you, don’t overreact or express your anger. Do assure your child that you understand the other parent is unhappy or angry with you and you are sorry he or she feels that way, but hope that eventually he or she will one day get over the anger. Expressing anger in front of the child will get back to the other parent, and that will only encourage the manipulation to increase.

(4) Don’t use your child as a messenger. If the other parent does so, kindly but firmly tell him or her that its up to you and the other parent, not the child, to talk about things.

(5) Don’t reject your children or get angry at them, even if they seem to be rejecting you. Be a constant, loving presence for them.

(6) Don’t justify yourself or defend yourself as you would if you were talking directly to the other parent when your child reports events you know are not true or repeats things he or she may have heard that disparage you. Depending on the child’s age, draw him or her out with simple questions that lead the child to reach his or her own conclusions about the truth of what he or she has heard.

I get a lot of calls from fathers who say they are victims of “parental alienation syndrome.” When I talk to them, I try to explain that using a label isn’t very helpful, especially in Maryland’s courts. The fact is, the family bench in Maryland isn’t fond of this argument.

That doesn’t mean that the problem isn’t real, it just means that the focus in a litigated custody case has to be on something more than a label. It has to be on the behavior of the parent, whether mom or dad, and believe me, both can indulge in this form of child abuse.

Here’s a link to a Today show clip that featured that now-famous and very ugly voicemail left by actor Alec Baldwin, for his daughter: Dale Atkins, Author of “Sanity Savers” Talks About the Behavior Behind Parental Alienation.

Here’s the problem. In order to document the behavior, you need a qualified mental health professional (read, psychologist NOT social worker) who understands the problem well enough to identify it, and to render an expert opinion as to how best to help the child who is the victim of the bad behavior. It’s hard enough for most working parents to afford competent legal counsel to navigate the maze of litigating for the rights of their children to time with each parent. When you add the cost of a qualified psychologist to the mix, it’s not something most working families can manage.

Some of Maryland’s courts have tried to address the problem with offering family support services that sometimes includes a custody evaluation, but even that olive branch is inconsistently applied. For example, in one large and well-heeled county, the court employs social workers who are not qualified to administer and interpret the testing that identifies and diagnoses the problems of behavior demonstrated by one hateful parent towards the other parent. Other counties have better mechanisms in place, requiring a fixed fee for the service, but in order to access the service, the offending parent has to demonstrate severe dysfunction. Many problem parents have other problems, such as personality disorders. A feature of these problems is the ability of the person with the disorder to manipulate helping professionals into “buying” their distorted view of reality.

Given the current economic climate and the very real limits imposed on state and local governments to provide free or reduced-fee services to family law litigants, it is crucial for us all to become actively involved in the budgetary process of our local and state governments to legislate for budgets that support families first.

Maryland Family Law Firm recently launched an upgraded website. Check it out at: http://marylandfamilylawfirm.com!