Well, it’s that time again! The season of family love and unity. Of putting others first. Of acting with kindness and generosity . . . NOT!

It’s the holidays. Thanksgiving has just passed, Christmas and Hanukkah are on the way, and all over the Western world, divorce lawyers everywhere are up to their elbows in paper and family courts all over the place are clogged with screaming “emergencies” for parents who won’t let their children visit the non-custodial parent, or who decide that those visits shall take place according to their own whims. I must have been lucky. I’ve been in practice long enough, but somehow, I’ve never had a crisis that took up a lot of time and attention . . . until this year. Maybe it’s because I just try to help clients take the high road, or maybe it’s because I don’t like looking stupid in court (anymore than absolutely necessary, that is) but I don’t rush in for emergencies unless I’m pretty sure I can win and usually, you just can’t win these battles.

So, in the interests of providing suggestions for weathering the inevitable holiday visitation storms, here are some tips:

• Put your child first! Try to step out of how YOU feel and think about how your child is feeling. If you are the custodial parent, don’t withhold visitation because of some holiday issue that is important to you, not your child. If you are the non-custodial parent, do a cost/benefit analysis, with the first “cost” being the emotional toll waging a court battle will have on your child. Another “cost” is whether or not you’re going to actually get what matters to you in a court proceeding. A lot of judges don’t have a lot of patience with holiday fights. And you can NEVER predict what will happen once you step into the courtroom. You should be pretty sure that what you do not want is for the judge to side with the opposing party, merely because the person bringing the matter to them is irritating or offensive.

• Put your child first! Plan ahead. Have a specific schedule of access in any separation or parenting agreement. If you get along and are flexible, you can always be flexible, but if things get tough, and you have a fully-executed agreement that spells out what will happen on the holidays, your chances of succeeding in court are much higher.

• Put your child first! Listen to yourself and the other parent from your child’s ears. Think about how you would sound if he or she could hear you (and hopefully, he or she CAN’T hear you!!). Think about the kind of memories you are making for your child. Think about how your child will feel about this holiday when he or she graduates from college. Try to structure what happens with that thought in mind.

• Put your child first! Ever had a business colleague you couldn’t stand, personally, but whom you just couldn’t do without in terms of your business. Think about the other parent that way. Because really, unless he or she is abusive (and to some extent, even then), you may be able to “do without” the other parent, but your child can’t. And your child IS your most important business. So in most cases, that person really IS a colleague you can’t do without. Keep that in mind when you haggle over holiday visitation.

• Put your child first! Make an appointment with the other parent every year in September to plan for the upcoming holidays. Even if you aren’t “friendly” with the other parent, you need to be able to sit down and talk, plan and discuss what you want to do for your child, at the holidays and other times too. And if you can’t, maybe the best present you could give your child is several sessions of parent coordination counseling.

When you get right down to the one, essential survival tip for weathering holiday visitation disputes, there’s really only one tip you need to remember . . . put your child first!