Remember the old-fashioned idea of respect for dear old dad? Or for parents generally? It went something like this: “You’ll respect me because I’m your father!”

Not.

When I used to hear that, I remember thinking, “The respect you want is earned. You aren’t entitled to it.” Here’s an article by a therapist in Tennessee who had a dad who earned his respect the hard way, he lived it: Loving Fathers.

Children learn most from us as parents by watching what we do:

Here are a few ways to live so your kids will respect you:

First, criticize sparingly, and don’t ever call your kids names, no matter how much you’d like to do it!

Talk to your kids about what matters to you, in words they can understand, but don’t use them as a confidante or ever let them feel as it it’s their job to take care of your feelings.

Show them what it looks like when partners really love and respect one another. If you can’t do that, get help. If that doesn’t work, think seriously about what kind of relationship you want your kids to have with their partners and do what you can to build your life and yourself so you can have one.

ENGAGE! ENGAGE! ENGAGE! Pay attention to the fleeting dismay that can be there and gone in an instant on that little face. Listen to the tone of their voices when they ask a question. Get out of yourself and your schedule and your worries and your life. That’s one of the best reasons we get to be parents — so we can become a little more human in the process.

Have fun! Some of us have a very hard time playing. Sometimes, it’s because we had to take on too much responsibility as kids. Sometimes, it’s because we’ve always been serious, always been thoughtful or all caught up in trying to figure out how things work and why they happen. Let your kids be your teachers. You may find a part of your life you’d missed altogether.

Lots of hugs and kisses! Kids need touch, from the instant they are born. So do adults! Show your kids and your partner genuine affection, just for the sake of giving it, and you’ll reap huge rewards.

Live by the principles you want your kids to have. Let them see you doing the right thing because you believe in it, even when you have to sacrifice something of yourself to do it.

Spend time with your kids. Every parent with a new baby hears older people say, “Enjoy them now, they grow up so fast.” And they do. If you’ve made a habit of spending time with them when they’re small, you’ll be able to keep that habit going when they’re adults.

Make a life of safety and security for your kids. Reduce chaos and conflict in your home to its lowest common denominator. Show them what it looks like to see a parent who expects others to respect his boundaries, and who offers the same quality to the ones he loves most. Stability doesn’t mean living in the same house an entire childhood. It means that when a child walks through the door where dad and mom live, he feels at ease, welcomed, and comforted.

Hey, don’t shoot me! I still have a Christmas gift for a dear friend sitting in my living room!

Here’s to all the wonderful fathers this year (especially mine). My link software seems to be broken tonight, so I can’t post the link to the You Tube video, but here are the words to a song by Keith Urban that say it all:

Lately I’ve been noticing
I say the same things he used to say
And I even find myself acting the very same way
I tap my fingers on the table
To the rhythm in my soul
And I jingle the car keys
When I’m ready to go
When I look in the mirror
He’s right there in my eyes
Starin’ back at me and I realize

The older I get
The more I can see
How much he loved my mother and my brother and me
And he did the best that he could
And I only hope when I have my own family
That everyday I see
A little more of my father in me

There were times I thought he was bein’
Just a little bit hard on me
But now I understand he was makin’ me
Become the man he knew that I could be
In everything he ever did
He always did with love
And I’m proud today to say I’m his son
When somebody says I hope I get to meet your dad
I just smile and say you already have

The older I get
The more I can see
How much he loved my mother and my brother and me
And he did the best that he could
And I only hope when I have my own family
That everyday I see
A little more of my father in me

He’s in my eyes
My heart, my soul
My hands, my pride
And when I feel alone

And I think I can’t go on
I hear him sayin’ “Son you’ll be alright”
Everything’s gonna be alright”
Yes it is

The older I get
The more I can see
That he loved my mother and my brother and me
And he did the best that he could
And I only hope when I have my own family
That everyday I see
Oh I hope I see
I hope everyday I see
A little more of my father in me

A little more of my father in me
I hope everyday I see in me
In me
In me
I hope everyday I see

A little more of my father in me.

Keith Urban (as featured on You Tube).

Apologies to my faithful readers for the long absence!

I’ve been feverishly working to overhaul my practice into a whole new business model, entering into a partnership, offering expanded services, upgrading the firm’s website (check it out at the same address, www.marylandfamilylawfirm.com).

The Law Offices of Dawn Elaine Bowie, P.C. is now virtually empty and Maryland Family Law Firm, L.L.C. has been born. I’m honored to have Vincent T. Lyon, Esquire as my partner. I will continue my work with fathers, but the firm is expanding our services to represent more divorce clients. Mr. Lyon will be responsible for managing cases involving wives and mothers. We are proud that now, we offer our services to good parents of both genders.

Look for more posts here, and check out our divorce blog too! (www.marylanddivorcelawblog.com).

I was surfing the internet, looking for a good article to post about when I came across this dynamite site and this article, from fathermag.com. It explains the dollars and nonsense of current child support policy:

Child Support.

On Mother’s Day, here’s hoping all of my readers will take a moment to thank all the mothers in their lives, including the mothers of their children, even if those women don’t appreciate YOU, do the best you can to appreciate them. Pay it forward a little bit. It goes a long way.

I am so grateful for my children. One of my sons is a new father who stays home to care for my grandson. He is much like so many of you, who are a new generation of fathers. You are young men who have sworn never to allow your children to experience fatherlessness as you may have done. I’m proud of my sons and I’m honored to know those of you who are creating a new generation of parents who can love and respect both mothers and fathers.

When parents are having a dispute about their kids, it’s miserable for the kids. Especially if the other parent isn’t playing fair, and that happens more often than you might think.

When a parent thinks of a child as belonging to him or her, or sees the child as a a way to gain leverage of any kind against the other parent, it’s not uncommon for them to manipulate the child, or badmouth the other parent and his family, partner and friends.

It’s hard to maintain your equilibrium with your child when all this is going on, but there are a few things you can do:

(1) Be willing to listen without getting drawn into explaining yourself. Tell your child you care a lot about what he or she thinks and feels, but it isn’t up to the child to make the decisions. Make sure he or she knows that this is a decision adults have to make (even if your child is a teen).

(2) Assure your child that you are committed to working things out with the other parent in the fairest way you can.

(3) If your child repeats negative things the other parent or his or her extended family has said about you, don’t overreact or express your anger. Do assure your child that you understand the other parent is unhappy or angry with you and you are sorry he or she feels that way, but hope that eventually he or she will one day get over the anger. Expressing anger in front of the child will get back to the other parent, and that will only encourage the manipulation to increase.

(4) Don’t use your child as a messenger. If the other parent does so, kindly but firmly tell him or her that its up to you and the other parent, not the child, to talk about things.

(5) Don’t reject your children or get angry at them, even if they seem to be rejecting you. Be a constant, loving presence for them.

(6) Don’t justify yourself or defend yourself as you would if you were talking directly to the other parent when your child reports events you know are not true or repeats things he or she may have heard that disparage you. Depending on the child’s age, draw him or her out with simple questions that lead the child to reach his or her own conclusions about the truth of what he or she has heard.

I get a lot of calls from fathers who say they are victims of “parental alienation syndrome.” When I talk to them, I try to explain that using a label isn’t very helpful, especially in Maryland’s courts. The fact is, the family bench in Maryland isn’t fond of this argument.

That doesn’t mean that the problem isn’t real, it just means that the focus in a litigated custody case has to be on something more than a label. It has to be on the behavior of the parent, whether mom or dad, and believe me, both can indulge in this form of child abuse.

Here’s a link to a Today show clip that featured that now-famous and very ugly voicemail left by actor Alec Baldwin, for his daughter: Dale Atkins, Author of “Sanity Savers” Talks About the Behavior Behind Parental Alienation.

Here’s the problem. In order to document the behavior, you need a qualified mental health professional (read, psychologist NOT social worker) who understands the problem well enough to identify it, and to render an expert opinion as to how best to help the child who is the victim of the bad behavior. It’s hard enough for most working parents to afford competent legal counsel to navigate the maze of litigating for the rights of their children to time with each parent. When you add the cost of a qualified psychologist to the mix, it’s not something most working families can manage.

Some of Maryland’s courts have tried to address the problem with offering family support services that sometimes includes a custody evaluation, but even that olive branch is inconsistently applied. For example, in one large and well-heeled county, the court employs social workers who are not qualified to administer and interpret the testing that identifies and diagnoses the problems of behavior demonstrated by one hateful parent towards the other parent. Other counties have better mechanisms in place, requiring a fixed fee for the service, but in order to access the service, the offending parent has to demonstrate severe dysfunction. Many problem parents have other problems, such as personality disorders. A feature of these problems is the ability of the person with the disorder to manipulate helping professionals into “buying” their distorted view of reality.

Given the current economic climate and the very real limits imposed on state and local governments to provide free or reduced-fee services to family law litigants, it is crucial for us all to become actively involved in the budgetary process of our local and state governments to legislate for budgets that support families first.

Feminists who think men are pigs and should be relegated to a remote island, shut up and sit down!

Women at Google are showing that what fathers have been saying for the last twenty years is right! Children need both mothers and fathers, and mothers and fathers need to be able to share equally in making a living and caring for their families.

Check it out: Google Study by Sharon Meers Supports Equality of Men and Women. The study shows that mothers have everything to do with supporting the relationship of their children with the children’s fathers.

You probably haven’t heard much about this story, given all the attention given by the media to the Winter Olympics and Obama’s Health Care Proposal, but here is a link to a story that underscores two things. First the failure of the mainstream media to pay attention to the violence of which women are capable, and second, the way the legal system ignores the signs and symptoms of violence when the accused is a woman. Alabama Shooter.

Take careful note of whom this story “blames” for the insanity of the accused. Is it the woman who perpetrated the crime? Of is it the “man” who stood behind her? God forbid the media should ever suggest that a woman might be capable of violence, absent the “influence” of a man! With all due respect to Patsy Cline, here is a link to another side of the story: Stand By Your Woman.

I wonder if the Department of Justice includes the threat posed by this woman in its statistics about women and family violence?

Maryland Family Law Firm recently launched an upgraded website. Check it out at: http://marylandfamilylawfirm.com!